I’ve been trying quite hard to keep this blog about my cancer very factual and upbeat, and avoid wallowing in any self-pity. I don’t think that in general it does me (or any of you) any good for me to spend time writing about about the dark times when I get angry, frustrated or depressed. However, I’ve recently had several people say words to the effect of “The way you’re coping with the cancer is just so brave”, and I felt the need to just set the record straight.
I’m not brave; I’m just doing the best I can to get through this.
Make no mistake, I may not write or talk about it, but I do get frustrated, bad-tempered and angry. And sometimes I get very scared and depressed, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night wondering if the cancer will come back. I think that’s probably normal and human. But knowing that those things will happen from time to time leaves me with some options; I could wallow in those negative emotions and let them take over my life, or I can choose to push them aside and get on with something more pleasant instead. I’d prefer to try for the latter approach. I don’t always manage it, but I do try, because getting angry or depressed just wastes time that could be better spent enjoying a sunny day, playing with my kids, or spending time with my friends; ie, living my life.
And that would mean that the cancer was still winning, which is totally unacceptable.